Joke Of the Day, The Best of the Bests

Gorilla and Chihuahua

@ Jun 30, 2008 01:02 PM 1 comment

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some nstructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" ...

Changing Name

@ May 10, 2008 01:17 AM 0 comments

An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed. When he replied, the desk clerk asked
"Can i help you sir?"
Our man said "Yes, I would like to change my name."
What is your current name?" asked the clerk.
"Martin Arsehole," replied the man.
The clerk laughed, and said "I can see why you want a change. What would you like your new name to be?

"Tim."

Hebrew University

@ Apr 30, 2008 11:38 AM 1 comment

Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."

Fallen

@ Apr 28, 2008 10:44 PM 1 comment

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" ...

KFC: Our Daily Chicken

@ Apr 24, 2008 01:29 PM 0 comments

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer ...

Funny Jokes Daily - Joke Diary: Location, Location

@ Apr 24, 2008 01:21 PM 0 comments

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket, so I called him a pencil-necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a piece of horsecrap ... ...

The LAPD, FBI and CIA

@ Apr 17, 2008 01:40 AM 0 comments

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it ...

Pennies from Heaven

@ Apr 17, 2008 01:40 AM 0 comments

Little Jimmy was lying on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds ...

Casino

@ Apr 08, 2008 10:49 AM 0 comments

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG ! He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG ! So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock... ...

The Vacation Autoresponder

@ Apr 08, 2008 10:44 AM 44 comments

What happens when people use their "vacation" autoresponder.

- - -

- I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

- I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

...

The Stupid Nomad

@ Apr 08, 2008 05:22 AM 0 comments

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can''t stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey... ...

Three comedians

@ Mar 19, 2008 12:31 PM 1 comment

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other - they just need to refer to each joke by a number. “Number 37!” cracks the first comic, and the others break up. “”Number 53!” says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. “44!” he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. “What?” he asks, “Isn’t 44 funny?” “Sure, it’s usually hilarious,” they answer. “But the way you tell it…”

Little Johnny at Sunday School

@ Mar 19, 2008 12:29 PM 0 comments

Upon picked him up after Sunday School, Little Johnny’s mother asked him about the lessons that day. He replied with the expected recitation of the Bible stories that the teacher had read to the class, but were shocked when Johnny told them that the class had sung a hymn “about a constipated cross-eyed bear”. Upset and angered by this, Little Johnny’s father confronted the Sunday School teacher, demanding to know, “the meaning of this.” “Oh no, Mr. Wilson,” replied the teacher, ” the hymn was called, ‘TheConsecrated Cross is Bare.’”

God Is Watching…

@ Mar 19, 2008 12:26 PM 0 comments

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Hiccups

@ Mar 18, 2008 01:44 PM 0 comments

A fellow walked into a drugstore and headed to the back to speak with the pharmacist. “Do you have anything for hiccups?” he asked. Without warning, the pharmacist reached over and smacked the man on the shoulder. “Did that help?” he asked. “I don’t know,” the startled man replied. “I’ll have to ask my wife. She’s waiting in the car.”

Wrong Way

@ Mar 18, 2008 01:40 PM 3 comments

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 interstate. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

A Doctor of Psychology

@ Mar 18, 2008 01:36 PM 0 comments

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

FAVORITE FANTASY

@ Mar 05, 2008 11:15 PM 0 comments

Age FAVORITE FANTASY

17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

Today's Joke

@ Feb 29, 2008 02:29 PM 0 comments

John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets
up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and
third time, and then turns to John and says, "See that, John. Mary needs
that EVERY DAY!"
John replies, "Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here
except on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Two Italian Men

@ Feb 27, 2008 12:37 PM 1 comment

A bus stopped and two Italian men got on. They sat down together and engaged in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignored them at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of the men become graphic.

"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," said the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

Financial Topics Explained

@ Feb 12, 2008 10:33 PM 0 comments

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
...

Poor Old Man

@ Feb 12, 2008 10:16 PM 3 comments

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"

The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"

The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"

The Most Tactful People on Earth

@ Feb 10, 2008 05:37 AM 14 comments

Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try.

How to get more business

@ Feb 07, 2008 08:44 AM 1 comment

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

The Blonde and the Blinker

@ Feb 07, 2008 08:43 AM 0 comments

Two blondes were driving down the road.
The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''

Fly Me to the Moon

@ Jan 23, 2008 07:51 AM 0 comments

On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in
front of me...

Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight
attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.

"It all felt like five minutes," the gentleman said slowly.

The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was,
when he finished his sentence with two words that earned him a sharp smack
on the head:

"... under water!"

[Joke of The Day]

Walls of Jericho

@ Jan 23, 2008 07:38 AM 0 comments

A church school supervisor asked little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny said, "I don't know, but it sure wasn't me!"

The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, went to the school principal and related the whole incident.

The principal said, "Look, I know little Johnny and his entire family very well and can vouch for them.

[jokediary.com]

Joke Of the Day, The Best of the Bests - roosevelt